i just saw x-men: first class

And I must say- wow, that was pretty ridiculous. And not ridiculous in my normal, slangy “This shit is totes ridic, bro” way, I mean flat out ridiculous.

At the risk of spoiling the film, I’m not going to go into specifics as to why it’s ridiculous, but I will say things that are pretty much common sense with a film like this. For one, people get shot at. It’s an action movie, if you think people aren’t going to be shot at, you’re probably in the wrong theater. (Tivo’ing the wrong Blu-Ray, downloading the wrong Netflix- I can’t keep up with how you kids watch movies nowadays.) However, do you expect somebody to get shot at with a bazooka? Not in a war field, either- in a confined room that will definitely blow up if SHOT AT WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER. And what kind of security guards bring a rocket launcher to a one-man gun fight anyway?! Why are you trying to blow up anybody?! You are a terrible guard and I will no longer be attending your establishment.

This shouldn’t be a big deal, but in the first fifth or so of the movie, we’re introduced to a few of the main characters in their childhood, including Mystique. Mystique, for all of you unacquainted with the X-Men franchise (or at least those of you without pocket protectors and glasses- nerd burn! *high fives self*) is a woman that is naturally dark blue with red hair and scales. She is often naked, though when naked she is blue and scaly. Apparently that includes her as a child, and it’s totally cool that that happens. Naked pubescent children, regardless of whether or not they are ‘mutants’, are WEIRD and CREEPY and TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE and have absolutely no place in anything like this. I hate to go all “rawr rawr i am a parent and your films are destroying america rawr rawr” on you, and maybe i’m turning into an old fogey (19 is where it all starts to turn sour, they say) but at the end of the day, it’s A NAKED CHILD, AND IT IS CREEPY.

Here is a photograph or January Jones with her stunt double on the set of the movie. I don’t know why this exists! She doesn’t do any stunts! And speaking of things January Jones does not do, JANUARY JONES DOESN’T WEAR A SHIRT FOR THE ENTIRE FILM YOU GUYS! She just does not wear a shirt! I mean, I’m not complaining because January Jones is a very pretty lady and I would not kick her out of the bed for getting cookie crumbs in it if you know what I mean, but does she own a shirt? I can’t imagine someone that is in the public eye as often as January Jones is doesn’t own a shirt or two. Can we all start a public fund to get January Jones a shirt, you guys? Japan and Joplin, MO can wait- we need to direct all of our relief efforts towards another J J. #shirtsforjj

This is only three of the problems I had with the movie, and to be honest, the last one isn’t as much of a problem as it is something I noticed. These problems aren’t even the biggest issues with the film. In short., you should see this movie if you want to see it, and maybe even if you don’t, but don’t go in expecting Citizen Kane. Maybe Citizen Kane II: Rosebud’s Revenge.